If you thought the introduction of the little known right wing governor from Alaska was good, wait until the Republican Convention featuring the empty suit, Dracula’s heir and son of the Pillsbury Doughboy.
I am hoping MoveOn and other Dems can sneak some protestors in so that Fat Boy Chris Christie can respond to taunts with his favorite f-bombs and personal attacks. Did you think the staged introduction of Ryan from a battleship of our country’s military which neither Mitt nor Paul served in was ridiculous? Then you will love Republican Convention 2012.
Early leaks say that Ryan will be introduced to Queen’s “We Are the Champions,” as he appears from underneath the stage in a cloud of dry ice, shirtless. Joining him on stage will be the other stooges who are in his congressional P90X workout sessions. Following this, Republican body builders from all walks of life will join him on stage and execute poses to “Eye of the Tiger.”
(For those of you who didn’t already know, the career Paul Ryan left to pursue public service ~ so eloquently pandered by Mitt Romney ~ was that of a personal trainer. No kidding. Other than his years as a personal trainer, Dracula-cum-Charles-Atlas has been on the public dole.
After the muscle beach demonstration, Mitt will appear on stage as the ceiling lets loose several million one dollar bills. Because the bills will be on loan from the Koch brothers, Republican diversity will be on display as three Filipino gardeners gather them up with giant gas powered leaf blowers, emblazoned with the words “Frack You, Obama.”
Then, time for the keynote speech which will be given by none other than the Republican proof that obesity is not on their platform. Chris Christie, elected Governor of the state that gave us Snookie and The Situation, will be lifted to the podium on a forklift, buoyed by a rendition of “He’s Not Heavy, He’s [our ] Brother” sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Having realized that neither his business career nor his stint as Governor of Massachusetts were popular with voters, Romney will have flung caution to the wind and embraced his religion with a vengeance.
Following Christie’s speech, which will criticize school children everywhere, Romney will introduce us to his other wives.
For the anti-abortionist Tea Party members, action games outside the convention floor will include the smashing of birthcontrol pill containers and free practice on willing models with a transvaginal ultrasound. Gun lovers will be able to practice with real Kalishnikovs, shooting in a range where the targets will be “lifelike photos” Obama, Martin Luther King Jr, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Charlie Rangel. For those who bring their elders, Throw Granny in a Dumpster will be the game for them to play.
Convention swag will include Louis Vuitton bags filled with pistols, fill-in-your-name concealed carry licenses, and a coupon book with ten years of get-out-of-paying-taxes cards. Comely women offering free Cuban cigars will be accompanied by young children carrying signs which say”Rules do not apply to Republicans.”
Mark your calendars now: The real end of the world is in Tampa Florida on August 27, 2012.
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Gloria. Circa 1955.
Gloria. Circa 2012.
Other than working for the American Red Cross in Korea for two years, Gloria Garvey has lived in Hawai`i since 1971. Her opinion and other writing has appeared in: The American Philatelist. Honolulu Weekly, The Honolulu Advertiser, The Honolulu Star Bulletin, The Star Advertiser, Hawai`i Reporter, Pacific Business News, Island Scene, The Design Management Journal.